Lost in a daydream.

Hi blog,

It's me again. Don't know what's wrong with me today. I started thinking about life and all when studying got boring. And I m now assured that I'm a pessimist because when I reflect on life I become emo 100% of the time.

So.. I was thinking 'bout why I am still single when my girls are getting somewhere with their amazing guys, or have already gotten somewhere long ago. I know that I'm really weird (in a bad way of cos) but am I that weird that nobody has ever been interested in knowing more about me?

Back in JC, I wasn't troubled by this because I thought this was happening because of me being fat and fierce and straight forward and because of my naturally guai lan face. So post A's I tried to lose weight. & yes I am no longer fat. I tried to smile more and be more friendly. But apparently what I've done is not enough.

Okay I've gotten to know some guys but things just never worked out. I'm kind of glad of it sometimes but sometimes I find that it's such a shame. See I'm just an intrinsically conflicting person. I don't want a boyfriend just so that he could buy me things, treat me like a princess, take care of me & accompany me wherever I want to go. All these things are taken care of by myself and my parents. Who I really need is someone who is willing to listen to me. Okay I know I have really good friends who will listen to me but I don't know.. It's just not the same. I feel bad telling about them my troubles, be it major or trivial ones. To be more specific, I think I need someone whom I don't feel bad occupying his time? But I feel that I'm worth nobody's time. It's really hard to love me. I feel it myself. So it's kinda rhetorical to ask why nobody loves (romantically) me huh? Since I can't even love myself?

So Plan-enhancing-appearance is total failure. Nobody appreciated it. Maybe it even backfired because people may think that I'm damn vain and hiao and show-off because of the way that I presented my outward self in school.

I have been trying to make myself more lovable and wifey (sounds dumb but yeah I want to be the perfect wife). I believe that's what all guys eventually look for in a girl. But apparently I am not wifey enough. Again.

So I've never & will never be who I want to be?

Nobody has given me the chance to love. I want to bake chocolatey cookies for him (even though I hate them a lot). Wake up early to cook for him. Take care of him when he is sick. Hide little notes in his room or belongings so that when he finds them he would smile. I want to comfort him when he is sad. Give him a big warm hug when he is disappointed or simply tired from all the work. But all these little things, I can only fulfill it in my daydreams.

I have been told that my turn will come. & when it comes, it will be the awesomest thing of my uneventful life. 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4. I believed. But now, no; I'm just deceiving myself.

I am imperfect. I am imperfect.

I'm obnoxious. I know.

& I know that if someone eventually comes along, I will never let him go because I'll never know how painfully long I will have to wait again. That is stupidly Serene but truly me.